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Category: Lockdowns
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Ontario Government Declares State of Emergency Over Leaf on Tracks, Ignoring ER Wait Times
TORONTO – The Ontario government has declared a state of emergency after a single leaf was spotted on GO Transit rail lines, causing delays of up to 12 minutes. The leaf, believed to be from a maple tree, is considered especially dangerous due to its slippery properties when crushed against train wheels. We are taking this threat very seriously, said a government spokesperson. We have mobilized 200 workers, 47 Leaf mitigation vehicles, and a dedicated hotline for citizens to report suspicious foliage activity. The total cost of the operation is estimated at $1.2 million per day. When asked about the 2,000 people currently waiting in Ontario emergency rooms with an average wait time of 14 hours, the spokesperson noted that leaves on tracks are an immediate and visible problem, unlike healthcare wait times which are merely a chronic crisis. The leaf was eventually removed by a single worker using a stick. -
Small Business Owners Reminded They Could Have Just Gotten Creative Instead of Closing
TORONTO – As yet another independent cafe shuts its doors for good, a government task force has reminded small business owners that they could have simply gotten creative instead of complying with closure orders that kept big box stores operating at full capacity.
Maybe try selling artisanal coffee through a secret handshake system? suggested a policy advisor. Or pivot to selling government-approved essential goods like… hmm… well, Walmart sells everything, so maybe just compete with Walmart. Easy!
The small business owner, now working at the aforementioned big box store, was unavailable for comment as they were stocking shelves.