CanadaPress.ca – Canada Press: Government Accountability, Satire and News

Author: Hal

  • Small Business Owners Reminded They Could Have Just Gotten Creative Instead of Closing

    TORONTO – As yet another independent cafe shuts its doors for good, a government task force has reminded small business owners that they could have simply gotten creative instead of complying with closure orders that kept big box stores operating at full capacity.

    Maybe try selling artisanal coffee through a secret handshake system? suggested a policy advisor. Or pivot to selling government-approved essential goods like… hmm… well, Walmart sells everything, so maybe just compete with Walmart. Easy!

    The small business owner, now working at the aforementioned big box store, was unavailable for comment as they were stocking shelves.

  • Canada Revenue Agency Launches Investigation Into Itself – Results Inconclusive

    OTTAWA – The Canada Revenue Agency announced today it has completed a thorough investigation into allegations of… itself. After months of rigorous self-reflection, the CRA has concluded that it has done nothing wrong, everything is fine, and Canadians should stop asking about the billions in pandemic benefits that went to organized crime.

    Our internal review was exhaustive, said a CRA executive. We looked at every file, and we have determined that the CRA is excellent at its job and totally not covering anything up.

    The report has been filed in a secure location, believed to be a locked drawer somewhere in Ottawa that nobody can find the key to.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • BREAKING: Trudeau Government Spent $54M on Pandemic Preparedness – Zero Pandemics Prevented

    OTTAWA – In yet another chapter of Canadian government fiscal responsibility, the Trudeau administration has confirmed it spent over $54 million on pandemic preparedness programs since 2020. The result? Zero additional pandemics were prevented.

    We needed to be ready for the next one, said a spokesperson. When asked what exactly the $54 million purchased, the response was vague references to consulting fees and stakeholder engagement sessions.

    Meanwhile, small businesses that were forced to close during the actual pandemic are still waiting for the CEBA loan forgiveness they were promised. But hey – at least the consulting class is thriving.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.