CanadaPress.ca

Author: Hal

  • Government IT Project Misses Deadline, Blames Vendor, Hires Same Vendor for Phase 2

    OTTAWA – A federal government IT project originally budgeted at $45 million has ballooned to $230 million after seven years of development, with no launch date in sight. The government has blamed the vendor for scope creep, technical deficiencies, and frankly not doing the thing we paid them to do. It has then awarded the same vendor the Phase 2 contract worth $87 million. We have learned valuable lessons, said the departmental CIO. The main lesson is that switching vendors mid-project would require filling out Form T-47-B, which is a known bureaucratic nightmare. It is far more efficient to continue paying the same company, even if they have not delivered anything in seven years. The project, codenamed Project Horizon, was originally intended to modernize a system for tracking government pencils. The scope has since expanded to include tracking all office supplies, employee coffee consumption, and whether anyone has taken a stapler home without signing it out. The vendor, Deloitte McPartners Unlimited, declined to comment but sent a bill for $4.2 million in consulting fees incurred during the media inquiry.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • Ottawa Spent $12 Million on Renovations for Advisor Who Quit Two Weeks Later

    OTTAWA – The federal government spent $12.4 million on renovations for a newly hired political advisor, including a custom-built office with soundproof walls, imported Italian marble flooring, and a temperature-controlled wine storage unit. The advisor resigned 11 business days later to pursue opportunities in the private sector. The renovations were necessary to create an optimal working environment, said a PMO spokesperson. We spared no expense because we believed this individual would bring tremendous value to the government. Unfortunately, they discovered that government work requires showing up to an office, which was not for them. The wine storage unit, valued at $47,000, remains in the now-empty office. A government source confirmed it is being used to store surplus bottles from official functions. The marble flooring, imported at a cost of $340,000, is expected to be ripped up and replaced in the next fiscal year as part of a planned aesthetic realignment. The advisor in question now works for a lobbying firm that represents three companies currently bidding on federal contracts.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • Tax-Funded Study Finds Bureaucrats Spend 40% of Day in Meetings About Meetings

    OTTAWA – A federally funded research project has concluded that the average federal bureaucrat spends 40% of their workday attending meetings whose primary purpose is to schedule other meetings. The study, which cost taxpayers $2.3 million, was conducted over three years and involved 1,200 participants. Our research shows a clear pattern of meeting recursion, explained the lead researcher. A typical employee attends a morning stand-up to discuss what they will work on, a mid-day progress sync to discuss what they did in the morning, and an afternoon debrief to discuss what happened in the mid-day sync. That is before any actual work is done. The study recommends reducing meeting time by 50%, a recommendation that will be discussed at a series of meetings beginning next month. A follow-up study to study the effectiveness of the recommendation has already been funded at a cost of $850,000. The study itself was peer-reviewed by three other government-funded researchers who were unavailable for comment as they were in meetings.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • Auditor General Releases 900-Page Report; Government Vows to Read the Executive Summary

    OTTAWA – The Auditor General of Canada has released a scathing 900-page report documenting $12 billion in government spending that lacked proper oversight, competitive bidding, or any discernible outcome. The government has responded by vowing to read the executive summary at the earliest convenience. We take every Auditor General report very seriously, said a Treasury Board spokesperson, holding the document at a noticeable distance. We plan to convene a working group to review the findings and will report back to Parliament with a comprehensive action plan sometime after the next election. The report, titled Money: Where Did It All Go?, details 47 separate cases of spending that violated basic financial controls. In one instance, $340 million was paid to a consulting firm that billed for work done by a single intern. In another, a department spent $87 million on software licenses for programs that were never installed. This is just standard government efficiency, explained a senior bureaucrat who declined to be named. If you are not wasting at least 15% of your budget, you are not trying hard enough. The Auditor General has made 214 recommendations. Historically, 3% of Auditor General recommendations are fully implemented.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • Global Affairs Canada Confirms Diplomatic Strategy Is Just Saying We Are Deeply Concerned

    OTTAWA – Global Affairs Canada has released a previously classified document confirming that the countrys entire diplomatic strategy consists of issuing statements expressing deep concern about international events and then doing nothing further. The document, obtained through an access to information request that took only 37 months to process, outlines a three-tier escalation protocol. Tier 1 is We are monitoring the situation closely. Tier 2 is We are deeply concerned. Tier 3 is We urge all parties to exercise restraint. There is no Tier 4. We found that saying we are deeply concerned is 94% as effective as actual intervention, and costs approximately 0.001% as much, explained the deputy undersecretary for sufficiently concerned messaging. When youve been deeply concerned 847 times in a single year, you really feel like youve made a difference. Canada has reportedly been deeply concerned about 1,247 international incidents since 2015, none of which were resolved by the expression of concern.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • MPs Expense $800,000 in Baggage Fees on Taxpayer-Funded Trip to Study Baggage Fees

    OTTAWA – A delegation of 14 Members of Parliament has returned from a two-week fact-finding mission in Europe, where they studied airline baggage fee structures. The trip, which cost taxpayers $1.4 million, included $800,000 in checked baggage fees alone. You cannot understand baggage fees without experiencing them firsthand, explained the committee chair, wrestling a fourth suitcase onto a scale at Pearson International Airport. Each of our delegates required seven pieces of luggage to properly document the various fee structures across European carriers. The receipts have been filed. The MPs visited six countries, stayed in four-star hotels, and dined at 37 Michelin-recommended restaurants. Their final report, expected in 2028, will likely recommend forming a subcommittee to further study the issue. A parallel study by the Parliamentary Budget Officer confirmed that the same information was available on the internet at no cost.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • Pharmacare Program to Cover Everything Except the Drugs Anyone Actually Needs

    OTTAWA – The federal government has unveiled its long-awaited Pharmacare program, a comprehensive plan to cover all medications that Canadians do not actually take. The formulary will include 47 varieties of Vitamin D supplements, homeopathic remedies, and a range of essential oils previously sold by MLM companies. We are very proud of this program, said the health minister. For the first time ever, Canadians will have access to free lavender-scented stress relief balm and magnesium citrate gummies. The things that actually keep people alive? We will get to those in Phase 2, scheduled for some point in the next decade. The program, which also covers crystal healing sessions and ear candling, does not currently include insulin, asthma inhalers, or any cancer medication. Critics say the program is useless. The government says critics are being unfair and should try the free stress relief balm. Phase 2 consultations are expected to begin in 2029, pending further study.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • Ontario Government Declares State of Emergency Over Leaf on Tracks, Ignoring ER Wait Times

    TORONTO – The Ontario government has declared a state of emergency after a single leaf was spotted on GO Transit rail lines, causing delays of up to 12 minutes. The leaf, believed to be from a maple tree, is considered especially dangerous due to its slippery properties when crushed against train wheels. We are taking this threat very seriously, said a government spokesperson. We have mobilized 200 workers, 47 Leaf mitigation vehicles, and a dedicated hotline for citizens to report suspicious foliage activity. The total cost of the operation is estimated at $1.2 million per day. When asked about the 2,000 people currently waiting in Ontario emergency rooms with an average wait time of 14 hours, the spokesperson noted that leaves on tracks are an immediate and visible problem, unlike healthcare wait times which are merely a chronic crisis. The leaf was eventually removed by a single worker using a stick.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • Canada Post Announces Price Hike, Cites Inflation, Not the Fact That Nobody Mails Letters Anymore

    OTTAWA – Canada Post has announced another price increase for domestic letter mail, bringing the cost of a single stamp to $1.24. The Crown corporation cited rising operational costs and inflation, while conspicuously avoiding any mention of the fact that the average Canadian has sent approximately three personal letters in the last decade. We remain committed to delivering mail, said a Canada Post executive, standing in a sorting facility where 70% of the volume is now Amazon packages and flyers for pizza places that have been out of business since 2022. The price hike is expected to generate an additional $47 million in revenue, which will be used to cover the pensions of 12,000 retired employees who have been collecting them since the 1990s. Meanwhile, Canada Post has announced it will be discontinuing Saturday delivery in all but 14 postal codes, specifically the ones where MPs live.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • Federal Government Announces New Office to Study Why Previous Studies Were Not Implemented

    OTTAWA – The federal government has announced the creation of a brand new Office of Implementation Review, tasked with studying why none of the recommendations from the last 14 government-commissioned studies were ever implemented. We have spent $23 million on consulting fees to determine why we keep spending money on consulting fees, explained the newly appointed director. Our preliminary findings suggest a systemic issue with follow-through, which we will be commissioning a further study to explore in greater detail. The office will employ 47 civil servants, occupy three floors of a downtown Ottawa building, and is expected to release its first report in approximately four years. Early projections suggest the report will recommend forming a committee. Critics point out that the office itself was created without any implementation plan.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.