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Category: Politics

  • Auditor General Releases 900-Page Report; Government Vows to Read the Executive Summary

    OTTAWA – The Auditor General of Canada has released a scathing 900-page report documenting $12 billion in government spending that lacked proper oversight, competitive bidding, or any discernible outcome. The government has responded by vowing to read the executive summary at the earliest convenience. We take every Auditor General report very seriously, said a Treasury Board spokesperson, holding the document at a noticeable distance. We plan to convene a working group to review the findings and will report back to Parliament with a comprehensive action plan sometime after the next election. The report, titled Money: Where Did It All Go?, details 47 separate cases of spending that violated basic financial controls. In one instance, $340 million was paid to a consulting firm that billed for work done by a single intern. In another, a department spent $87 million on software licenses for programs that were never installed. This is just standard government efficiency, explained a senior bureaucrat who declined to be named. If you are not wasting at least 15% of your budget, you are not trying hard enough. The Auditor General has made 214 recommendations. Historically, 3% of Auditor General recommendations are fully implemented.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • Global Affairs Canada Confirms Diplomatic Strategy Is Just Saying We Are Deeply Concerned

    OTTAWA – Global Affairs Canada has released a previously classified document confirming that the countrys entire diplomatic strategy consists of issuing statements expressing deep concern about international events and then doing nothing further. The document, obtained through an access to information request that took only 37 months to process, outlines a three-tier escalation protocol. Tier 1 is We are monitoring the situation closely. Tier 2 is We are deeply concerned. Tier 3 is We urge all parties to exercise restraint. There is no Tier 4. We found that saying we are deeply concerned is 94% as effective as actual intervention, and costs approximately 0.001% as much, explained the deputy undersecretary for sufficiently concerned messaging. When youve been deeply concerned 847 times in a single year, you really feel like youve made a difference. Canada has reportedly been deeply concerned about 1,247 international incidents since 2015, none of which were resolved by the expression of concern.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • MPs Expense $800,000 in Baggage Fees on Taxpayer-Funded Trip to Study Baggage Fees

    OTTAWA – A delegation of 14 Members of Parliament has returned from a two-week fact-finding mission in Europe, where they studied airline baggage fee structures. The trip, which cost taxpayers $1.4 million, included $800,000 in checked baggage fees alone. You cannot understand baggage fees without experiencing them firsthand, explained the committee chair, wrestling a fourth suitcase onto a scale at Pearson International Airport. Each of our delegates required seven pieces of luggage to properly document the various fee structures across European carriers. The receipts have been filed. The MPs visited six countries, stayed in four-star hotels, and dined at 37 Michelin-recommended restaurants. Their final report, expected in 2028, will likely recommend forming a subcommittee to further study the issue. A parallel study by the Parliamentary Budget Officer confirmed that the same information was available on the internet at no cost.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • Pharmacare Program to Cover Everything Except the Drugs Anyone Actually Needs

    OTTAWA – The federal government has unveiled its long-awaited Pharmacare program, a comprehensive plan to cover all medications that Canadians do not actually take. The formulary will include 47 varieties of Vitamin D supplements, homeopathic remedies, and a range of essential oils previously sold by MLM companies. We are very proud of this program, said the health minister. For the first time ever, Canadians will have access to free lavender-scented stress relief balm and magnesium citrate gummies. The things that actually keep people alive? We will get to those in Phase 2, scheduled for some point in the next decade. The program, which also covers crystal healing sessions and ear candling, does not currently include insulin, asthma inhalers, or any cancer medication. Critics say the program is useless. The government says critics are being unfair and should try the free stress relief balm. Phase 2 consultations are expected to begin in 2029, pending further study.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • Ontario Government Declares State of Emergency Over Leaf on Tracks, Ignoring ER Wait Times

    TORONTO – The Ontario government has declared a state of emergency after a single leaf was spotted on GO Transit rail lines, causing delays of up to 12 minutes. The leaf, believed to be from a maple tree, is considered especially dangerous due to its slippery properties when crushed against train wheels. We are taking this threat very seriously, said a government spokesperson. We have mobilized 200 workers, 47 Leaf mitigation vehicles, and a dedicated hotline for citizens to report suspicious foliage activity. The total cost of the operation is estimated at $1.2 million per day. When asked about the 2,000 people currently waiting in Ontario emergency rooms with an average wait time of 14 hours, the spokesperson noted that leaves on tracks are an immediate and visible problem, unlike healthcare wait times which are merely a chronic crisis. The leaf was eventually removed by a single worker using a stick.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • Canada Post Announces Price Hike, Cites Inflation, Not the Fact That Nobody Mails Letters Anymore

    OTTAWA – Canada Post has announced another price increase for domestic letter mail, bringing the cost of a single stamp to $1.24. The Crown corporation cited rising operational costs and inflation, while conspicuously avoiding any mention of the fact that the average Canadian has sent approximately three personal letters in the last decade. We remain committed to delivering mail, said a Canada Post executive, standing in a sorting facility where 70% of the volume is now Amazon packages and flyers for pizza places that have been out of business since 2022. The price hike is expected to generate an additional $47 million in revenue, which will be used to cover the pensions of 12,000 retired employees who have been collecting them since the 1990s. Meanwhile, Canada Post has announced it will be discontinuing Saturday delivery in all but 14 postal codes, specifically the ones where MPs live.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • Federal Government Announces New Office to Study Why Previous Studies Were Not Implemented

    OTTAWA – The federal government has announced the creation of a brand new Office of Implementation Review, tasked with studying why none of the recommendations from the last 14 government-commissioned studies were ever implemented. We have spent $23 million on consulting fees to determine why we keep spending money on consulting fees, explained the newly appointed director. Our preliminary findings suggest a systemic issue with follow-through, which we will be commissioning a further study to explore in greater detail. The office will employ 47 civil servants, occupy three floors of a downtown Ottawa building, and is expected to release its first report in approximately four years. Early projections suggest the report will recommend forming a committee. Critics point out that the office itself was created without any implementation plan.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • CBC Asks Canadians for Feedback, Promises to File It Alongside the Other 47,000 Unread Emails

    OTTAWA – The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation has announced a new public consultation initiative, asking Canadians for their feedback on programming. Sources inside the CBC confirm the feedback will be filed alongside the other 47,000 unread public comments accumulated since 2018. We really value public input, said a CBC spokesperson, while demonstrating the filing procedure by dropping a sheaf of papers directly into a recycling bin marked Viewer Engagement. The CBC has assured Canadians that their opinions are being carefully catalogued by an automated system that categorizes emails by keyword and then forwards them to a folder nobody has opened since 2019. When asked why the CBC continues to ask for feedback it has no intention of reading, the spokesperson explained that it is a required box-ticking exercise for their mandate review. Besides, if we actually read what Canadians think, we might have to change something, and that sounds expensive.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.

  • Bermuda Papers: Canada Wealthiest Have $300 Billion Offshore – CRA Says Still Working on It Since 2016

    HAMILTON, BERMUDA – A decade after the Panama Papers, and years after the Bermuda Papers revealed that Canada wealthiest families have stashed an estimated $300 billion in offshore tax havens, the CRA has announced it is still actively working on the file.

    We have assigned our best intern to the case, said a CRA spokesperson. She is very diligent and we expect a preliminary report sometime before the heat death of the universe.

    Notably, the $300 billion offshore would be enough to fund Canadian healthcare for three years. But instead, it is generating returns for people who do not need the money and paying for nothing in Canada.

    When asked why no charges have ever been laid in connection with the Bermuda Papers revelations, the RCMP said they were still reviewing the evidence and asked that we stop calling.

  • BREAKING: Trudeau Government Spent $54M on Pandemic Preparedness – Zero Pandemics Prevented

    OTTAWA – In yet another chapter of Canadian government fiscal responsibility, the Trudeau administration has confirmed it spent over $54 million on pandemic preparedness programs since 2020. The result? Zero additional pandemics were prevented.

    We needed to be ready for the next one, said a spokesperson. When asked what exactly the $54 million purchased, the response was vague references to consulting fees and stakeholder engagement sessions.

    Meanwhile, small businesses that were forced to close during the actual pandemic are still waiting for the CEBA loan forgiveness they were promised. But hey – at least the consulting class is thriving.

    This story involves public funds. See our Hall of Shame for more on the worst abuses of taxpayer money since 2015.